Not Will Farrell

1.  More people fall on the ice and scrape their bums than don’t fall on the ice and scrape their bums, at least among the world-class crowd.  Think about that the next time you have a bad day at work.

2.  Couples skating is a metaphor for human love.  My seven-year-old asked if skaters have to be married to skate.  How extra sweet it is that our gold medalists, Shen Xue and Zhau Hongbo, actually are.  Which leads me to a question:  When will same-sex couples be permitted to compete for iced gold?  Some may argue that it would interfere with the ying and yang of the traditional, Republican, male/female pairings.  I disagree.  Dichotomy can easily still be achieved via a few same-sex Dream Teams that I can think of just off the top of my head.

• The most obvious is Team Brian Boitano and Scott Hamilton.  Scott is quite possibly the littlest and cutest Olympian turned commentator in the world this side of Bart Connor.  Both Brian and Scott are skating greats, and imagine the creative possibilities with the size difference.  There are at least two cat-lengths of height difference between them.

• Next would be Dorothy Hamill and Peggy Fleming:  short and sassy meets long and fluid.  Who wouldn’t want to make a two-in-one shampoo and conditioner out of this duo?

• Consider the media Cirque de Soleil that would mount over a Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding team.  Though these girls would likely be most successful as a pay-per-view item, especially if they were naked and ended the routine with a full-blown, improvised, on-ice Greco Roman wrestling match.  To Swan Lake or the Jurassic Park Theme Song.

• For the ladies, we would have the dreamy-team of speed skaters Eric Heiden (top photo) and Apolo Anton Ohno (on bottom).  This would make for a fast-paced routine with stunningly sequined, skin-tight costumes and a history-making Oprah episode.
  

  Babes Of Glory

3.  People who fail can become coaches who push others on to success.  I hope my kids strike it rich one day.

4.  China rules the world.  They own commerce and they own us.  On the ice.  And everywhere else.

5.  It’s easy to cry for people you don’t know.  Especially if they are winners.  Even if they are communists.

6.  Winners essentially brutalize losers indirectly by the ease with which they crush them.  Landing your triple salchow in such a shamelessly victorious way to roars of applause and woots is insult to injury upon those who straddled their partners’ eyeballs in a failed lift. The icy butt scrapes of the losers seem more pitiful when juxtaposed with the toothy smiles of those who don’t double-foot on their landings.  It’s one thing to triumph over someone else, but do you have to look SO GOOD when you do it?  If only the gold medalists could have milk mustaches or boogers or dandruff on their black spandex when they receive their scores and teddy bears.  Maybe they could fart on the podium.  That would make their victories a bit less obvious and more bearable for those unfortunate folks who rank only in the miserable 4th through 26th positions in the world.

Stay tuned for more sporadic, irrelevant, incomplete, yet highly important Olympic coverage here at Saving Private Mommy.  Greta loves the Olympics almost as much as she loves your voting for her on Babble.com for Best Mommy Blogger.  She’s on page 2 and inching her way toward page 1, with the ferocity and athleticism of a shuffleboard player.  Thank you for your help!

Related articles by Zemanta

• Happy New Year China! The Year of the Tiger Brings a Gold and Silver Medal to China! (activerain.com)
• Scott Hamilton to Skate for 1st Time Since Surviving Tumor (blippitt.com)
• Olympic Gold Medalists In Car Accident! (perezhilton.com)
• Vancouver conductor refuses to play games at Opening Ceremony (seattletimes.nwsource.com)