Ashton Kutcher Hates Valentine's Day And So Can You

Ashton Kutcher Hates Valentine’s Day And So Can You

February 5th, 2010 | Author: Greta

: Image by SpreePiX – Berlin via Flickr

CNN International reported today that Ashton Kutcher, Twitter’s A+K, does not like Valentine’s Day. Apparently the loving groom of the world’s premier Cougar, the lovely and 47-year-old Demi Moore, thinks one day of “lovey-dovey” is stupid since every day should be lovey-dovey. Now that’s easy to say when your wife works out 4-hours a day, but what about the rest of us who have jiggly butts? We actually look forward to doing things up since our everyday existence is not already done up for us by a full-time staff of 8. Those of us whose homes don’t look like this actually need to escape the piles of laundry and the overstuffed closets and seek refuge in some haven that serves, say, sushi. The only organizational worry the Kutcher-Moores have is tripping over the butler on the way out.

Perhaps he does have a point that holidays are so once-a-year, so planned and contrived, and so…not every day. I wonder if he has the same prejudice against the other biggies. Christmas: we should overeat and spoil our kids every day. Halloween: what do you mean you don’t costume the family and disturb the neighbors for free food every night? Could you imagine a 365-day Lent? People would either be really thin or they would change their sacrifices to things like pencils. Or hand sanitizer. Or using the word ‘bitchen’ to describe cool things.

I suppose Valentine’s Day is another one of those holidays that makes people evaluate where they are in life, though I don’t really think it’s any worse than Labor Day, when your husband works retail and no one invites you to a barbeque where you can prance around in your bikini, laugh with a silent scream of WHITE teeth, and drink Coors Light while floating on an inner tube. Labor Day media pressure is far worse than any Zales commercial could ever hope to be.

Of course, I have not been single on a Valentine’s Day since 1991. Now I’m not bragging, nor will I tell you that I have had a charmed dating life. On the contrary, my twenties were full of drama, losers, and adrenaline. But even if I wasn’t dating someone, there was always someone very specific that I wasn’t dating. It was like having a significant no one. A very specific no one with whom I would pass the time, sometimes pleasantly.

Now if you’re single, this evening is a perfect opportunity to get together with your trillions of other single friends and complain about exes. Or, even better, talk about how lame the relationships of your married friends are. You know you want to. And you should. And it’s a good excuse to drink champagne. And to eat things.

I suppose I do agree with Mr. Demi Moore that this day is, ultimately, insignificant. It does not make or break a relationship. Nor does it reinforce a person’s single status. It is a nice reminder of the fact that there is an arrow lodged in your butt cheek and that you should acknowledge it, and tend to the wound in whatever way you can: spend some time with your partner or flirt excessively with that grocery store clerk or eat cookies on the floor of Crabtee & Evelyn after it’s closed like I did with my high school friend on the night of our Junior Prom, to which no kind, 17-year-old males thought to invite us to attend with them. (We laughed harder than anyone at the dance did, I’m certain.) So take it or leave it. Your life is still the same life on February 14th. You’re just wearing more red and eating conversation hearts, which don’t really taste that good anyway. But please, don’t pass up on an excellent excuse to get a babysitter and become pregnant with your fourth child. Just kidding. I hope.

We’re celebrating 14 Days of Love and Food! Check back tomorrow for the recipe of a sumptuous appetizer that will cause your Valentine to find you more worthy of being obsessed about than Jennifer Anniston.

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