Apolo Anton Ohno does special "I took your record" wave to Bonnie Blair

I’m going to switch my bait here a bit.  I hope you don’t mind.  I’m going to put the Bode Basics that I promised yesterday, aside for a while because I’m exhausted.  You see, I just finished an Olympic event.  Just now.  Competed, medaled, and am processing it all a bit before I put it behind me.  What race? you ask of this 38-year-old mother of three.  Well, naturally it was the men’s 1000-meter short track, at the Olympics in Vancouver.  2010.  You don’t believe me?  Ask my heart which was in it.  My pulse was accelerated.  There were knots in my stomach.  My breathing became shallow.  Fortunately, Apolo Anton Ohno was yawning as he stretched himself into a relaxed state before the event.  Thankfully, one of us is a trained professional.

It’s not just me.  My husband was skating, too.  I came home late, after a performance, and was surprised to see him half-awake on the couch since he is scheduled to sing for Episcopalians early in the morning.  The first thing he said to me, in a strained grogginess, was Apolo is going to skate soon.  As I picked up the toys scattered in the living room, and prepared myself for the biggest race of my life, I realized something about my husband.  He was not waiting up for me, his wife of eight years, whom he’s barely seen the past the three days.  No, he was waiting for Apolo.  As was Michael Phelps who was present in the rink in Vancouver.  I imagine Tiger Woods was also racing with Apolo, as was Barack Obama and Jennifer Aniston.

So we raced after the shot fired.  And we did our usual middle position, sandwiched between two Canadian brothers and two South Koreans.  Well, Apolo and the rest of us tried to do our signature, dramatic, mid-race pass, the kind that gives you a fun shot of natural adrenaline, but we all slipped and lost speed and ended up in last place.  Perhaps it was the hope of having Barack Obama with us in the race, but we pressed on with unbridled force to pass those Canadian brothers and fly to the bronze with South Korean ass in our faces, a metaphor they might appreciate given our tumultuous history on ice.

It was a great race.  We got our seventh medal, albeit bronze, breaking Bonnie Blair’s record as being the most decorated winter Olympian.  Not hard to do when Apolo is already quite decorated even without precious medals hanging from his neck.  Add my husband, the president, and Jennifer Aniston to the mix, and we’ve got one pretty Team America.

Wait, I’m sorry.  I keep forgetting it was not our race, but Ohno’s.  I always forget that detail.  That this is an individual’s race and not a validation of everything USA including education, Cadillacs, mac n’ cheese, and musical theater, though the event might remind me a bit of Cats.

I guess I stressed out for nothing.  And I guess I probably shouldn’t be holding up seven fingers for seven medals in the traffic circle at the kids’ school on Monday.  I’ll let Apolo do that.  In fact, he did and I didn’t stop him.  And I’ll let him go on any reality show he wants, because despite our loss of silver and gold, he displayed GREAT sportsmanship in his very bronze interview with NBC.  Now if we can just get him and South Korea to make up.

Perhaps the greatest triumph was that Lindsey Vonn won silver in the Super Giant Slalom.  And didn’t cry.  Why would she?  Even being the first or second best in the world gets old.  And boring.

Check back tomorrow for more irrelevant, incomplete, yet highly necessary Olympic coverage.

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