Big Macs For Everyone

The other night I had a dream.  Like most dreams I don’t remember a lot of the specifics, only that it involved our television set and someone’s life was at stake.  We have a tube television, which we are hoping will spontaneously burst into flames so that we can replace it with one of the numerous flat screens that stand as a Hi-Def welcoming committee at the Costco entrance.  We do not succumb to their ultra-clear, glossy tantalization.

Now let’s get back to the dream.  Someone on our TV screen at home is trying to convey a message, my knowledge of which will save someone’s life.  Because of the poor picture quality, I miss the message and, in dreamland, the vagueness that represents the person in danger dies.  I woke up with a very clear idea of what this meant.  We are watching the Olympics on an original boob tube.  THIS IS AN AESTHETIC DEATH and, more important, COMPLETELY UN-AMERICAN.  Will Barack Obama issue an emergency tax credit so we can take our tiny windfall straight to Costco?  We would love to stimulate the economy and redeem our favorite sedentary activity.  Is it still considered Olympic if it comes to you through analog transmission?

This brings me to the phenomenon that is our obsession with the Olympics.  What is it about the games that brings out the inner sports-lover of every ordinary, sedentary American?  Is the saturation of events?  Is it the celebration?  Is it the torch?  Marketing?  Or is it just Apolo Anton Ohno?  I, for one, am not much of a sports fan, but I can cry with the most macho of ‘ahs!’ when I watch the world’s women crash and tumble at 70 MILES PER HOUR on some dangerous, icy slope in that friendly country with all the free health care.  These girls are unbelievable, fearless, totally bad-assed, in fact, and they are so cute.  Did you see them on the podium?  You could pinch their little Barbie doll cheeks.  (I’m getting old.)  Lindsey Vonn has the nerve to look like a first class snow bunny, and her artfully applied eyeliner did not BUDGE the entire day of competition.  I guess they are girls after all.  With that level of awesomeness, it’s easy to forget.

I can’t tell you the exhilaration I felt when I saw Vonn bullet down the course to earn her long obsessed-over gold medal.  She overcame three devastating injuries (two from her sport, one from a champagne bottle) and came back to take the title.  And I thought shuttling the kids to school 2 1/2 hours a day was a challenge.  I am no Olympian.

So we, the world of average people, sit cultivating cellulite as we watch the games and eat Big Macs in celebration of Olympic victory.  (The McDonald’s marketing team has us convinced that this as an act of athleticism and heroism.  You’ve seen the ads and you probably CAN’T disagree.  Remember in the 1980 LA Summer Games when they gave you a Big Mac for every gold medal?  And fries for every silver?  And a lousy coke for every lousy bronze?  The athletes got medals and we got more food.  And since the Russians were boycotting, we got a literal BUTTLOAD of Big Macs.)  We laypeople, however, do serve a purpose.  We generously share our enthusiasm for these talented athletes.  In return, they generously share their glory with us.  It’s a win-win situation, unless they lose, which is a story for another time.  All in all, I think it’s a fair trade.

Isolated Olympic Thoughts Of The Day:
Why did they not show Shani Davis’ gold medal race on NBC’s prime time coverage?  He was the only gold medalist whose entire race was NOT shown.  And he was way under-covered on the local news wrap-up.  Am I missing something?  And Google had no interest in the subject of his absence on the tube, screen for most of you.  Can somebody validate me here?  Comments?

Shawn White’s gold-medal celebration screams don’t sound like those of a dignified, heroic competitor, but like a cool snowboarder who ate too many pot brownies.  And the uniform of jeans and flannel is hilariously congruent.  I do think this works.  In a way that only people in their 20s would fully understand.

Join us tomorrow for more Olympic coverage.

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